Searching for Americana amid Tolerance

I think I should probably, suffice to say, just hire a lawyer on retainer. His or her job will be to accompany me and immediately distract me before I say anything. I say this, because I realize that some people believe in unicorns and other people believe in what politicians tell them. Some people just don’t want to have to think about certain things, and thus, are shocked to find out you might actually make them uncomfortable with a conversation they haven ‘t considerd.

I recently went on vacation and doing this, flew a friend of mine from Illinois. I brought her to Port Aransas so she could enjoy the Texas sun for the first time. I felt like I was doing a great thing. This is Texas, do you smell the energy and hospitality services? That’s what we do down here for industry!

Going to a CVS or HEB and she’s just in awe at the lack of taxation on regular perishables. The product on the shelf is $4.09? It comes out at the register, $4.09. Mind you, this was the first time she had been outside of the communist holdings of Illinois, in her life. And for that, I think she’s gonna be forever grateful.

The highway system here brings just as much surprise. We have a special lane for pulling a u-turn on most 4-lane roads. In Illinois, you are pulled over for getting lost and fined. Or riding around a cloverleaf on the interstate. She could ride passenger in my Civic and hit the u-turn lanes in the underpasses and keep on going, enjoy a Whataburger or authentic Mexican food (with an authentic trip to a shitter suddenly penciled in her next hour’s agenda…), etc. “Is that a store I have a vested interest in? Lemme turn around next block and we will zoom by.”

But on her way down here, some statements were made on her part that reminded me so much of home. Not that I have friends with Tourette’s or anything, but being from Peoria, you hear a lot of N-bombs. I’m not from Peoria, I just lived in the area for a little over four years. Long enough to get used to it. I lived in two slums of Peoria before I moved out to Deer Creek; one of my locations was adjacent to Richard Pryor Avenue.

My friends in Texas think I’m some sort of Boss Hog racist because when I am drinking I skip slurring and just start stating fact. This is where my lawyer would step in and just end the conversation.

But I don’t have a friend that is a lawyer. So I usually will find a bourbon. Or a wonderful craft beer. Anyone who looks down on you from their perspective that doesn’t drink, should be entitled to vicious punches to their head. I drink because life isn’t fun all the time, but I found a way to moderate my intake of various liquids. And after you’ve beaten them in the skull, you have a conversation like this.

“You’re a Christian, oh, I was raised a Christian. I stopped declaring that I was a Christian and just started informing people that hated me that I could be a bigot and hypocrite as well. Don’t judge me, asshole.”

I’m not a racist. I am a bigot. There’s a huge difference. Racist means you’re unwilling to part with certain ideas because of how someone is born. Bigot means that you proudly have ideas about some people because of their affiliations or stances.

Some liberal and loony left thinkers think that just because they rebuke the idea or ideology that many others have, it entitles them to a higher perception and self-absorption in the world… “How can you be into religion, the Holy Bible was written by man. Marriage comes from other places in earth’s history than the Bible.” Let me approach you with something: I don’t give a shit about atheists or satanists. You’re selfish and I will applaud your demise just as you will mine. Capiche? President Obama (mom-jeans) feels that same way, hateful to WASP Christians. So, you’re keeping great company.

I will stop trying to win over strangers. Their approval of my life and choices means as much to me, as what it was last week that I ate, that might have caused me to enjoy a good shit. I don’t have to hold myself to any particular standards. Neither do you.

I say this because, modern culture is a fresh cow patty, covered in the flies of antiquity but without the gravitas of a fart joke. I’m an asshole because I listen to my style of music or talk radio and can perfectly eschew popular culture’s idea of good music or talk. Wanting to discuss global warming or healthcare with me will get you treated like a sober prick. Your stories suck, nobody cares that you go around the world trying to kiss ass. There is no “ass kissing high score,” please find another hobby.

I will not say that Bill Maher or Nicki Minaj have ever had a valid thought that warranted others to pontificate their perspective. Kanye West is amazing for being a lubricant to screwing anglos across the world over. The vast majority of things they have shared with the world in their bodies of work are no more revealing about how disdain travels between classes and other common segregations of today. What upsets me the most is that they are considered relevant, and their thoughts are championed by more people than I would care to count.

I am not advocating that these people don’t like the fact I’m a conservative that drinks Larceny bourbon, but I would love to be in Kanye’s presence when he has a mind bomb and nobody else steps up to call that talentless fuck to the floor properly. I would even dare risk getting beaten up by him. But if I won in that contest, I would have his beaten face as every social media profile avatar and I would probably hire a college kid to be actively posing as myself all over the web.

But I’m the asshole. Apparently, looking at Saturday Evening Post’s from decades past and wanting a Norman Rockwell landscape across the fruited plain, that’s just unattainable and undesirable anymore. Can’t have an English-speaking dream for all citizens…I can’t even pick up a newspaper anymore without wanting to set fire to a journalist for integrity’s sake. And mind you, I can’t read a paper without it being a slap in the face that I’m broke and only afford one or two vacations a year. While a piece of shit president, his ugly fucking twat wife, their undeserving kids, and her curdled-cheese pretty mother, take vacations at the drop of a hat. Shame on me for getting a $137/night stay at a condo, I should have tried to hit the $8300/night stay in South Texas…

Speaking on tolerance, I tried to listen to a mainstream music station over last week. My eye twitched while driving that whole stretch of road, all thirty-plus miles of it. I’m there thinking, “Christ, we need AT&T to build that tower out here.” I say that because I just watched The Secret. If you ask God, Yhwh, some relevant deity, for a specific thing, it happens. I am also hoping the words, “diversity” and “tolerance” disappear from all of your vocabularies. You’re human beings, you are entitled by your Creator to have valid thoughts and opinions. You’re not forced to subscribe to a mentality that you don’t feel represents you. Despite the fact that most humans will never know freedom, people running around and screaming for tolerance are really just trying to silence the lot of you.

All last week, I was hoping that Air Force One would fall out of the sky on the Ka’aba and cure many ills of this world in one fell swoop. I don’t ask to win the lottery, just to be able to drink and not suffer a kidney or liver disease. Drink healthy in vast amounts, that camels would admire my capacity for fluid, and shut up about Wednesdays.

And for those of you that are interested, I did finish my first rough draft of Book Three. It is in the editing stages at the moment. I’m looking to do some serious work to it and it will be pubbed when I am ready to do so. I am happy with the amount of world it allows me to explore from the events that happened in it’s 400+ pages. And I hope a lot of you folks enjoy it, enough to recommend to your friends.